The Detective is Already Dead #01 — The Story Is Already Dead

July 4th, 2021


Why would you want this travesty to last 45 minutes?


Another double length episode that barely had enough substance to fill ten minutes, if even that. It is absolutely full of exchanges like:
"What's your name?"
"You asked me my name and I am telling you that my name is Siesta."
"Oh, Siesta is a weird name."
"It's a codename."
"A codename?"
"That's normal."
"That is not normal."

Which is doubly unfortunate, because it clearly considers the dialogue to be the focus of the whole shebang considering that 98% of the 45 minutes is eaten up by these two imbeciles blather on like that, chewing scenery like they're bloody goats. Even more unfortunately, almost all the action in the entire episode was already shown in the promo, and that only makes up maybe 20 seconds of the episode. It's all talking heads, all the time, with thrilling conversations that take upwards of a minute to exchange names. All the while, a man with a tentacle grafted to his head patiently waits for them to finish their schtick. Are we on Namek? Are we going by D&D "talking is a free action" rules?

And like the other double length premiere show, at exactly the halfway point, we shift from pretending to be some kind of garbage action show to pure fanservice dreck. As in she shows up at his door like a good little reductive magical girlfriend, and they spend the rest of the episode A.) In the bath, B.) Eating pizza, C.) On a cosplay date at a school festival, D.) Sipping tea at a cafe, E.) All of the above. Maybe it might be tolerable if they had even an ounce of chemistry between them, but both are joyless, morose dullards, so the only chemistry is akin to two inanimate carbon rods sitting on a sidewalk. But rest easy, because next week, there will be a new girl, who will be shoving the protagonist's face straight into her boobs.

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