天下制覇

  

I’m not sure how to pronounce that.

Random Thoughts:

And so here’s the last member of the harem, the obligatory quiet girl, who they handled by basically not handling her at all and letting her just be a vestigial part of… everything. I heavily suspect given the routing structures (specifically that she has no ending of her own in the main story (routing is a little unusual, but I’ll get to that in probably a few weeks), just an unlockable side story), that they either ran out of time and had no idea how to cram her in, or she exists solely to check off another box. She’s not even handled particularly well even above and beyond being the game’s vestigial appendix.

It’s not a problem inherent to the archetype, although you don’t usually see it handled very well. Prism Ark did a good job with its quiet girl, Kagura, by wasting little time in showing that she cares deeply about her home and gets emotional about the people and things she considers important to her. Same goes for Felli in Regios by giving her flares of emotion and frustration with herself to round her out instead of trying to sell “has no personality” as her personality as is the case 90% of the time. It provides an actual basis for both the characters and the audience to empathize with them instead of simply hand waving over why the cast has suddenly become attached at the hip to some random person who’s either constantly ignoring them or is nothing but a dick to them.

The Story Thus Far:

The new girl introduces herself as Karen, so we try to tackle her, but she’s faster than us and we faceplant into the wall. We try to tell her we love her, but she ignores us. That’s one of her three gimmicks, the second being everyone calling her by her full name and her saying that just Karen is fine, including internal narration. Hilarious. The other is giggling. Well, and the puppet. Anyhow, the rest of the harem starts getting upset, so we lie and say it was to recruit her into our club. We beg her to be our heroine, but she says no. She also spurns Wet Towel’s attempts to help her. Her hand puppet starts ranting about her greatness and she chastises it for interrupting class. After class, Kururu gets it into her head that because we like her, she’s a perfect addition to the club. Kururu asks her to be our heroine too, but again, the answer’s no.

Karen’s not eating at lunch because she has no money, so Wet Towel starts up a collection from everyone only to find out that she’s poor as hell. We say we’ll find her something to eat and offer her Ringo, but she’s turned down too. Also, this turns on Ringo for some reason. We fall back to plan B, red bean donuts. Disgusting. Yet, for some reason, she wolfs down multiple. This is apparently enough to convince her to come to magical girl club after school where her hand puppet, Bernardo, demands more donuts, which she continues to inhale. We all decide to throw her a welcoming party tomorrow.

At night, we meet with Ringo and Blondie for our usual patrol. Wet Towel vanished off somewhere, as did Karen, or we’d have dragged at least one along. Patrol is uneventful until we realize that they’re targeting girls, so there’s no point checking where there are none. Except then there’s one just wandering aimlessly around, so Kururu says they’re being controlled by someone and she came here originally to beat their master. We get worked up over triumphing over a boss instead of a bunch of minions. We enjoy watching the two of them transform again before effortlessly murderinging the random wandering monster. Blondie wonders what the point of it wandering around was, since all it could do here was be found and murdered. We’re being watched by a MYSTERIOUS SILHOUETTE WHO COULD IT BE from the shadows who now knows what we’re all doing late at night.

In class the next morning, Ringo and Wet Towel are tired. Karen laughs at Wet Towel because of it. Ringo offers to lend her eyedrops, and accidentally gives her… some kind of lemon juice-based condiment bottle, which when put in the eyes, results in “あwqせdfrgtbyjh!!”. Later, after class (a half day apparently), we get ready to go out shopping for our party and accuse Ringo of trying to grab our junk. Karen demands more donuts. We cough up the money and send them on their way. Later, in the club room with just Wet Towel, she expresses her sympathy. We tell her to actually help, but she of course, turns us down. We offer to help her with her other club stuff, but she says we’ll just forget. We retort that we’re not like her, and we’ve collected exhaustive proof of all 103 favors we’ve done for her and penciled in basically “for sexy times” next to all of them. When she sees our Nice Guy diary, she asks us if we’re really that serious about sexy times. Of course we are. She feels bad, but 103 is too much, so she offers just one actual time, as long as we’re gentle.

We pull her top off and spend a truly ungodly time making out. Seriously. There were like 100 lines about swapping spit alone, plus even more about awkwardly kissing and feeling teeth with tongues. We make her swallow our spit as well. Lovely. We finger her to orgasm, eat her out to another, and right when we’re getting ready to seal the deal, the shopping duo arrives. Luckily, they’re screaming about how much fun shopping was in the hallway, so we throw our clothes back on and Wet Towel flees before they can interrogate her about the strange smell in the room.

 

They spread their food haul, all cookies, cakes, and donuts, including a 40 as the only drink. The party kicks off anyway. Ringo makes us chug. We give Karen a welcoming present, another magical girl thingy, Mystere, I guess. Karen, however, turns it down. We ignore that and the two amigos kick off the King Game. We draw #2 for the first round. Karen is the king. She orders #2 to die. Kururu vetos, so she changes that to #1 flicks #2. Kururu’s #1, and juices her flick with lightning magic. Next round, Ringo’s king and orders #3 (Kururu) to chug and give #1 (Karen) a piggyback ride while spinning in a circle. This is apparently how the water polo team hazes people. Next round, Karen orders #1 (Kururu) and #2 (Ringo) to sing. Time skip forward a number of rounds, and we’ve still yet to be king. They’re all drunk at this point, and both Karen and Blondie are passed out.

 

Ringo says she’ll keep playing until we get to be king. We get it the next round and order #1 (Ringo) to kiss us on the cheek. We close our eyes and she kisses us on the mouth. We protest this for some reason, so she gets all fussy and says she knows we were having sexy times with Wet Towel earlier. She drunkenly gropes at our dick and says she’ll take care of us with her mouth. Also, to stop worrying about Karen and Kururu being in the room and pay attention to only her. She drops her king stick thing when she pulls down our pants and SHOCKING REVEAL, she wasn’t #1 after all. Drunky complains about the smell, but declares she’s going to wring us dry so there won’t be any left for the other girls. She gets a triple dose of yogurt from the ol’ firehose. Now, I’m no urologist, except for that one time in Tahiti, but I’m pretty sure that’s not healthy. Karen gives her a napkin to wipe her face. After a doubletake or two, she reveals that she was awake through a lot of it. Ringo runs off in a huff while Karen giggles about how we’ve “made Ringo dirty too,” before abruptly thanking us and also wandering off.

In the aftermath, we consider that hooking up with the other girls is what’s triggered Ringo to get more aggressive, so if we hook up with them more, she’ll want to do us more. Flawless logic. Not sure if it applies to the others though. Everyone’s grumpy at dinner, particularly Ringo who’s hung-over on manjuice and alcohol. Not Karen though. She’s just giggling to herself again. Sidekick was apparently stuck all day eating his sister’s Vietnamese. Not a euphemism. Just weird. Wet Towel flags us down afterward and tells us to forget everything that happened today and everyone’s going back to normal. Kururu runs out and says we got permission from Towelie to go on patrols, so we go out and sing in broken formatting. Not much is up though, until we’re yelled at by some MYSTERIOUS GIRL in a mask. Who could it be? The Masked Beauty Papirin, apparently. You know, like papillon, only… not. The butterfly, not the dog.

She declares herself our rival and that she’ll defeat evil before we can. Kururu thinks she looks like Towelly, but we say Towelly is way cuter. We explain that we’re heroes. Kururu helps by calling us an adultery enable, because puns only get better when repeated. All of a sudden, ‘Papirin’ yells to look out, and a super sonic magimon starts dive bombing us. We try to attract its attention, but it barrels through our face with us on its back and keeps going after them, not giving Blondie enough time to summon her little stick and transform. Karen wanders in and laughs when we get Team Rocketted away trying to protect her. It goes after her again, but she easily dodges at the last second and tricks it into crash landing. She pulls out the little magical cellphone thing, says it’s about to use magic, and transforms. We get to see her naked too. Kururu gets mad for once and smacks us for watching them transform. Papirin helps out by throwing rocks at the magimon. Which is to say, she doesn’t help at all, so Karen firedarts her in the face to get her out of the way.

We summarily slaughter the thing. And then rewind time and slaughter it again because the first time we fought it, it decided to completely pass its first turn and so died pathetically. I avoided Hard because supposedly it likes to just toss up entire hands of a single color, making it nothing more than flipping a coin for guessing, or overload on an elemental so you can’t even possibly keep a combo going, and I didn’t want to have to re-record a bunch, but if this is Normal, I hate to see what Easy’s like. Nothing new or special here. Karen’s the same as Ringo, except fire instead of water. Exciting. There are two more mechanics yet to be introduced before things go from entirely trivial to mostly trivial.

Kururu is amazed that she’s so good at magic with no training. Kururu is not the brightest bulb in the shed. Papirin’s disappeared in the fracas. Karen says she’s not joining us though, that was just payback for the donuts. Papirin is elsewhere having a crisis of conscience that she can’t protect the school, but we are and having fun doing it. She wonders if she’d be able to join the magic girl club too, as if the OP didn’t show that hours ago. Some other MYSTERIOUS WOMAN nearby is throwing a childish temper tantrum about us beating up her precious thingies, and is now going to GET SERIOUS. Except she still has to finish getting ready for class tomorrow, so runs off instead. The next morning, Ringo’s shaken off her hangover. We tell her about Karen helping us and how we need more donuts to recruit her. Wet Towel awkwardly screams GOOD MORNING in our face while Karen giggles and Ringo kicks us. Our old faceless teacher is MIA due to ODing on croquettes, so we have a new one, a woman named Lillian. Can’t imagine who she might be or how she ties into the story.

             

Next Episode:

Our battered and bruised virginity is in peril.