天下制覇

Milano’s dream of a threesome with her brother and Alita and my dream of a show without robot lolis both come that much closer to reality.

Another decent episode bringing (hopefully) an end to the idiot lolis and the doctor, though I wouldn’t count on it. It still suffers from a lack of a budget for the fight scenes, but it was a bit less noticable this time around. The raw I watched also had some funky audio stuff going on. Really REALLY quiet for some reason, but I digress. Plot moves forward a bit more this episode as well and we’re starting to segue into the ‘main’ villains next episode, so as always… a month away is far too long. And I’ll never fully understand or be comfortable with the hero-worship anime always portrays girls having with their brothers. Honestly, married couples on their honeymoon in Montego don’t even get along as well as your generic anime sister and brother. It’s like they’re either at each other’s throats or one is trying to bag the other. Aaaaanyway…

Also, I’ve forgotten whose names were originally what, so Alita is the princess, Milano was the maid, and I can’t even remember who was Falis.

Episode numero tres opens with our freaky elf chamberlain standing in front of some giant door in the castle and the two generic-yet-to-be-introduced baddies lurking outside the castle. MYSTERIOUS foreshadowing. And so subtle too!

Alita is practicing with her sword in the courtyard and the chamberlain comes out to talk to her and compliment her on the job she’s been doing as ‘princess’ so far.

The next morning, Milano comes to wake up messy-sleep Alita, and stops just short of crawling onto her bed and giving her a true good morning surprise, and instead settles for creeping her out by staring her in the face from the edge of the bed.

Next we go back to obligatory princess bathtime. Milano tells Alita about her brother being away and hopefully returning soon. I wonder if there’s any possibility that he’s the guy in the giant armor. It is truly a mystery to me and I will be shocked to the core when his identity is revealed.

After serving her tea, Alita gets up to go and accidently knocks a doll off the mantle with her sword. Milano flips out about the broken doll and says that Alita doesn’t understand how it should be important, and in a scene straight out of Of Mice and Men, Frankenstein gives Milano a hankie to fix the ceramic doll. Let’s go back to the duckies, eh?

Alita goes and sulks on the throne while random court members ask her about the current state of affairs. She dismisses them and goes out for a bike ride with skull boy. Milano watches her leave, still also being weepy over the little broken doll.

Milano and Franky go off to church to pray for something or other, and are attacked by another one of crazy loli-building onion brain’s robots. To the surprise of nobody, the robot three times the size of Franky (or Pete or whatever his name is) is beaten in a single punch and Milano is carried off.

Alita is off exterminating monsters and clearly enjoying herself far more than she should be. The chamberlain brings her the news that Milano’s been taken, and Alita jumps on her best man’s bike and it’s off for the final showdown with Doctor Onion-Loli.

At his lair, Milano is tied up, but not nearly sexily enough for my tastes. The lolis are somewhat more fangy than the last time we saw them too, and as true generic villains do, revealed their obvious plan to use her as bait.

Running up to the castle, the trio faces some of the most lazy monsters around. They literally stand there and get cut to bits, except for one who runs at Alita. Alita breaks off from the other two and heads to the castle where the lolis are having target practice with Milano.

Alita busts into the area on top of a tentacled monster (in Soviet Murder Princesses… girl rapes monster), but the robot from before busts forth from the ground under her and then the lolis hold knife and gun to Milano to make her give up. Alita’s not about to lose her easy lovin’ though, so she drops her sword along with a few random daggers she somehow managed to conceal on herself. The robot tosses her around a little bit, while Milano does her token screaming. Never mind that a multi-ton robot is punching her and would be shattering entire skeletons with each punch, she somehow manages to take about a dozen.

The loli keeps taunting her for somehow not being able to fight against a giant robot while a hostage is being held. She stands up one last time, and the robot moves for the killing blow, but what’s this? A mysterious figure from above? Shock! He leaps in, cuts off the robot’s arm, knocks away the loli knife and gun, grabs Milano and leaps away all somehow before any of them can react. Somehow. Why the loli didn’t just pull the trigger of the gun grafted to her arm is a mystery for the ages. 

Alita picks up her sword to fight them, but the mysterious man (whoever could this hero be?) sends them away on his conveniently parked horse. He then slays the giant robot in one blow, which, as all last bosses must do, manages to somehow blow up the entire castle, as well as send the random monsters Pete and Dom were fighting running off.

Our super-mysterious-blonde-hero comes walking out of the fire, and Milano recognizes him as her brother. DUN DUN DDDUUUUUUUUNNNNNN. Big parade for Alita’s returning brother and Milano is all smiles now (probably thinking about royal bath time) and… not conspicuously alone at all, no siree… the evil sorceress looks on from above.

Next episode previews show Alita facing off against the Dark Knight… I wonder who that could be and why we never see him in the same room as Bruce Wayne Alita’s brother?