天下制覇

 

I think Japanese people are water soluble.

Impressions:

Time for some introspection. I’m mostly looking for feedback now that we have gotten our feet wet. Good, bad, give this up, what see more of, what see less of, so on and so forth. I’m no stranger to starting (and then never finishing) quasi-Let’s Plays, which is pretty much what this is, but if nobody’s giving a butt, as it would seem from PW’s last post, then my time and effort is better spent elsewhere, like translating mystery games that people will merely not care about in the future.

Personally, after three weeks, this whole thing (both MB and Princess Witches) is… okay, I guess. I prefer doing MB so far mostly for the ridiculously higher production, although again, PW is supposed to get better as it goes and MB worse. Both are starting from a relatively low spot on the totem at the moment though. Neither are really exciting me all that much, but it is a little more… fulfilling? to at least be doing something a little new and different. At least moreso than the rehash-a-thon and fillertopia that this season has been.

Our Story So Far:

For class, everyone partners up to murder some robot training cats. Blondie and I are very proud of our cat murdering abilities. There’s an odd number of people though, so Ponytail Chainsaw goes solo… off-screen, and doesn’t care if she gets marked down for not working as a team. We sit on the sidelines and comment on how she fights without a team and doesn’t work with nobody cause she’s a strong independent woman. I WONDER HOW THIS CHAPTER WILL BE PLAYING OUT. A couple people in the shadows talk about us, and how we have Engage and only on magic island can we show our full potential. MORE FORESHADOWING. Back in the classroom, Sidekick tries to brag, but the women gang up on him. Angry Red tells them to knock it off and explains that her ability is controlling wind. Random Unnamed Girl interrupts us to feed her things and lesbian out all over her.

 

Eventually, the School President. Tsukasa, wanders in to introduce himself to Blondie’s annoyance. He wants to be our friend, and insists he’s not hostile, so of course he will be. He leaves, and Ena wanders in to hit on us some more, also to Blondie’s annoyance. We have to go to an assembly, and everyone’s bored and/or sleeping through it. Me too. Blah blah blah. DOOM CLASS NPs, end of the world, etc etc. He also reveals that we have Engage and that everyone should be exchanging fluids with us to power up and be the next generation of greatness. The females go power mad, so Kanae grabs us, marks her territory by declaring us her possession and herself Queen Kanae, and does another stratosphere leap. As we descend, we grill her about showing up horny last night. She admits to masturbating to us because of it. And then she loses control and we crash into a pond.

That gives her the Deadly Japanese Cold, so she’s off for a little bit. She marks a new spot on our map for non-newbies, which we’re not high enough level to go yet anyway, which means MORE MANDATORY SIDEQUEST TIME! Except we’re cut off after one measly day that we mostly spent playing courier service again when two girls run past with Hikaru in hot pursuit. We chase after them and end up joining her in fighting against Evolution, the game’s Brotherhood of Evil Mutants Team Rocket, who are the ones who have apparently been turning off the security systems. We beat them, but while interrogating one, particularly about there whereabouts of ‘Wolfram’, but they’re worthless grunts and have to jump in before Hikaru chainsaws a face off. Meanwhile, the other grabs a hostage. Thanks to some ‘convenient’ strong wind, we micro-explode a street display into falling over, distracting her and letting us free the hostage.

The next day, at lunch, we assume again that Mashiro is incapable of using a ticket vending machine because we’re asses like that. She eats spicy foods, because that’s WAAAACKY. She also pets us for our help, either because that’s also WAAACKY, or because she realizes that we’re mentally six years old. As she leaves, it starts snowing indoors. Since we’re an imbecile, we wonder what it could mean. Elsewhere, we meet up with Ena and Kanae. Blondie’s still got the sniffles, but sings the praises of Wind Girl and her team for being all windy and fast. Hikaru comes over and abruptly drags us out on the town. The peanut gallery, plus Tsubomi, tails us. Hikaru’s frustrated that she lost her cool yesterday and wants to repay us by hanging out, yet is confused by the concept of a date. When she asks us what we want, Blondie decides to prank us and uses her gravity power to make us point at Hikaru instead of soda, who flees in excuses of her womanhood. The peanut gallery comes out and admits their misdeeds before the Dread Japanese Cold KOs Blondie.

The next day, after some filler shenanigans with Sidekick and his girl, we ask Teach about Evolution. She tells us they’re criminals and against everything that we are for. Thanks, Teach. Blondie’s still sniffly, but good enough to join us in Mandatory Sidequest Time. Before we do, we see Team German running off to do their own sidequests. There’s also a new mission for guarding an important lab, but that’s later and plot related. Thus begins the REAL mandatory ch2 sidequest time, also introducing the chance to “Spend Time” with heroines to increase their “Likeability,” which is code for “Willingness to Bang.” We start abusing that option instead of fighting anything, so we talk about curry and fuss over Blondie like a nursemaid for still having the sniffles. After dropping her off, Tsubomi ambushes us and tries to steal our precious fluids. She tells us about Wolfram, one of Evolution’s bigwigs who’s super charismatic, and has some kind of past with Hikaru. We allow her to hug us as a step towards fluid exchange as payment for information given. We report stuff to sick Blondie, and tell her we’re interested in Hikaru. Blondie tries to convince us to stay the night, but ewwww cooties.

We spend another afternoon with Blondie, and I stick a jaunty DLC witch hat on her head. The next day, Blondie doesn’t want to hang out, so we go explore a volcano looking for a ‘mysterious person’ for a battle sidequest and do nothing but continue to murder innocent animals and run away from the volcano, which somehow counts as good enough. Next day, Blondie’s willing to hang out again, so we level her Likeability up to 3 based on accidentally wandering past a store with a giant stuffed cat and saying it’s totally girlie like her. We can hang out with her again for the last day, but instead decide to go out and explore the new area. It is disappointing and full of spiders, but Kanae is at MAX LIBIDO. I think I was supposed to be controlling Ayumu for the other sidequests. Next sidequest time, she’ll be rarin’ to go. Sidequest time over, we meet up with Hikaru to go to the lab together. She agrees to team up with us, just this one time. She also names our team, Unison, because we have Engage. Um, okay. An alarm goes off, so we rush to the lab, but everyone’s already defeated by Evol. We decide to take ’em on by ourselves, so I put on some DLC angel wings on Hikaru. On our way in, we find some random woman scientist who tells us Evol is after some primo Enigmatite.

For once, in the lab, we spend our time murdering members of Team Rocket with Hikaru’s chainsaw halberd and her ability to make swords pop out of the ground. They really could’ve done so much more with the B button skills than just being a singular, lame, crappy little extra attack. Pathetic, Giga. Also what’s a great idea? Gray chests in gray rooms. Yeah, those are easy to see. Eventually, we run into Wolfram von Lichtenstein, the man who killed Hikaru’s master. She loses her temper. He spouts some weird philosophy at us and speaks almost entirely in metaphor and Cliche Martial Arts Villainese.

He is a very pathetic miniboss who pulls the “Just kidding, I’m awesome in cutscenes” card. We summon THE LAST OF OUR POWER, to make a little pop to protect Tits McGee. He punches her into us anyway, but Kanae jumps in and uses GRAVITY POWER to stop him. He starts pushing his way through her power by FORCE OF WILL. Hikaru starts cursing herself for losing her temper and putting her comrades in danger, so she makes up her mind, gets super horny, and shoves her tongue down our throat… FOR HER COMRADES! We beat Wolfram up… again… even more badly the second time. I don’t think he even actually attacked once.

 

So he summons giant pigs to cover his escape. ‘Luckily’ the school president shows up to one-shot them. A few days later, Kanae and Hikaru are squabbling over us, which is upsetting because cooties. In the shadows, people lament their failure and how their evil organization isn’t lesbians only. Even in the context of this game’s writing, that’s kind of weird.